Emo: Punk For Pussies

Direct your attention to the picture on the right. If you are not immediately appalled and sickened by their artificial cuteness, then leave this site immediately, I have nothing more to say to you. If you recognize someone in this photo or are, in fact, in the photo, then keep on going- These may be the most important words you will ever read:

RICHARD HELL. RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICCCCCCHARD HELLLLLL. RICHARD HELL RICHARD HELL RICHARD HELL RICHARD HELL RICHARD HELL RICHARD HELL RICHARD HELL RICHARD HELL RICHARD HELL.

MORISSEY. THE CURE. ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBERT SMMMMMMMMMMMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

BAUHAUS.

BAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSS. PIXIES PIXIES PIXIES PIXIES PIXIES PIXIES PIXIESsssssssssssSSSSSSS

That was, of course, the chorus to the greatest emocore song ever written, entitled "Somebody's just stolen my limited-edition Harry Potter book and used it to beat my kitten to death and stuffed the tiny corpse full of scabs and soft-serve angst and made me sell the corpse to 'The Man' and all I got was this limited-edition TShirtHell Authentic Mildly Offensive T-shirt."

For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, my apartment has recently become infested with these little urchins we call emo kids (pronounced: eeeh-mo kids). I'm being forced to house them as part of Tennessee's effort to help the victims of Hurricane Katrina. (The emo kids weren't actually displaced by the hurricane, but have not been able to work since the flood, due to their 'xtreme hardcore empathy' and 'collective white guilt' and 'Mom stopped paying for my Shell card.')

Essentially, all emo kids are generic copies of the same creature. (Like roaches. Adorable, anorexic roaches.) An emo person can be easily identified if you know their characteristic trademarks. These little urchins are typified by a particularly bad style of dress and exceedingly poor taste in music, namely emo music. Now, I know the photo shown above may be a bit misleading. Contrary to popular belief, all emo kids may not be as ugly as the two in the photo.

The number one sign that someone is an emo kid is their bad hair. They have a slightly different take on the hair spray revolution of the 80's. Back then, you teased your hair into utter submission, leaving virtually no hair follicle out of place. Emo kids want to give the appearance of looking as if they arose from the dumpster that afternoon, feeling so sensitive and emotionally overwhelmed that they just didn't have the fortitude necessary to raise their skinny, pale arms and slag a hairbrush through their coiffure. The truth about their rockin' new 'do's, however, is that they use enough hair products to make the members of Flock of Seagulls rife with envy. Their hair is artfully messy, because it shows those of us who actually brush our hair how cutting-edge they really are. "Take that, you stupid hair brushers! I'll show you!"

The second clue that you have an emo kid on your hands is their attire. They spend countless dollars on their wardrobes with the sole intention of appearing homeless. They swathe themselves in expensive, designer jeans that are made for pre-teens, allowing them to eat only delicious laxatives and other authentic Emo cuisine such as Laxatives On Toast and Laxatives In A Hole and Laxative Gumbo Swirl. Their retro-looking t-shirts are a minimum two sizes too small and bear the names of bands who either haven't sold a record in 25 years or ones who are sooooo cutting-edge that the record execs, like, totally don't understand them. They also have an odd penchant for wearing clothes that are horribly inappropriate for the current season. I live in the South, where the temperature in the summer routinely reaches over 90 degrees; sane people wear fewer articles of clothing during these times. Emo kids will continue to wear their wool sweaters and scarves and their cute little striped knit caps during heat waves.

I can live with the horrible fashion statement, but I refuse to even mildly tolerate their attitudes in general, which flow right into their shitty music. I think the term, Emo, is short for, "Emotionally Pussified." They want to make artful music that speaks from their heart and write lyrics about how they felt that day their little kitten, Pepper, got gang-raped by the neighborhood dogs. And when they're not writing about the sex life of a family pet, they're whining about their feelings or their unrequited love for another emo kid--similar to a kitten's sex life, but with more yarn balls. Emo takes some of the best aspects of punk music, disillusionment with the establishment and rebellion, strips it of all the rage and fury and reduces it to a primitive level of self-pity.

If I can convince at least one emo kid of the error of their ways and make Dashboard Confessional sell one fewer album then I feel like my time on this planet has been well spent. If I can't convince them, then hopefully I can at least make people hate them as much as I do and bitch-slap them upon first detection. And, you've gotta try it at least once, nothing will brighten your day like making one of the little fuckers cry like a girl.

*editing, additional content, and emotional distress provided by MM

More emo fun courtesy of JC (no, not that JC):

http://www.vidking.com/viewvideo.php?id=515