You’d Think That People Would Have Had Enough Of Shitty Love Songs

Since Valentine’s Day is upon us and there’s a whole shit-ton of insurance-related work that I am ignoring, I felt this would be an ideal time for a special holiday musical list. First, let me say that Valentine’s Day is a lame-ass, bullshit commercial pseudo-holiday perpetuated by a goddamned greeting card company to make single people feel miserable and people in relationships guilty for not buying stuffed bears that play "Unchained Melody." I am probably the only female on the planet who does not give a flying fuck about Valentine’s, however, that did not stop me from exercising my feminine prerogative by making sure my favorite, surly misanthrope asked off for the evening to be with me. It may be lame as hell, but I'll be goddamned if I spend it alone. Don't feel too bad for him, he'll probably get laid.

We’re abstaining from the obligatory gift-buying, but he did mention he was making me a CD for the blessed occasion. Now, knowing him as I do, I have no doubt that the CD will most likely be comprised of horribly inappropriate and offensive songs that will have nothing to do with love, happiness or anything that references any of my endless finer qualities- I would certainly expect nothing less. If he gives me a Time Life "Blissfully In Love" cd and doesn't deliver it with a hint of irony, I'm breaking up with him right there on the spot. If I wanted a cd containing a bunch of Sarah McLachalan songs about crying and delicate reflections on my uterus, I would start dating women. (No, babe- Don't even ask. This does not mean that I'm going to start dating women sheerly for your enjoyment.) Based on the recent onslaught of jewelry commercials and radio station playlists, it has become blatantly obvious how utterly nauseating love songs can be. So, with that in mind, I have comprised a Top-8 list of the shittiest love songs ever recorded. I would say the recipients of this honor are there solely on the basis of my arbitrary opinion, but since we're all aware that my musical opinion is without flaw, you can just go ahead and take it as the truth.

8. I Would Do Anything For Love, But I Won’t Do That- Meatloaf

I hate Meatloaf songs almost as much as I hate the dinner entree. They're both full of a lot of nasty ingredients and are combined into a mushy ball of crap. I've always wondered about this song, though. I mean, what exactly is it that he won't do? She's into autoeroticism or bestiality? He won't pay junkie-hookers to participate in snuff films for her? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

7. I Just Called To Say I Love You- Stevie Wonder

Don’t give me all that horseshit about how it was written for his daughter blah blah blah. If any man sang this to me on the phone I would hang up on him immediately. How can a man who wrote, "Superstition" have sunk to the depths of this crap? It reinforces my theory that all truly great artists' music turns to shit after they have a family. I like my musicians pain-stricken and miserable so they can continue to make music for my personal enjoyment. I don’t think that's asking for too much.

6. You Are So Beautiful- Joe Cocker

A perennial favorite with the schmucky wedding crowd, although why people wish to use a song by a man whose vocals sound like he’s been gargling with gravel and Drano is beyond me. And how can a man whose last name is "Cocker" be so fucking lame?

5. Everything I Do, I Do It For You- Bryan Adams

Anybody who bought the Robin Hood Soundtrack should have their US citizenship immediately revoked. Banish them to the Canadian wilderness and don't allow them to return until their name surfaces to the top of the Nationalized Medicine Organ Transplant list. That should delay their return for a good decade or so. I don't think I even need to offer an explanation as to why this song is on the list; it's Bryan Adams for fuck's sake. I don't think Canadians even claim him anymore.

4. I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing- Aerosmith

This song can be immediately identified as shitty solely on the grounds that it was featured in an even shittier Ben Affleck movie. Musical proof that bands should either abstain from drug use completely or never stop because at some point this is what they're reduced to recording.

3. It’s All Coming Back To Me Now/My Heart Will Go On- Celine Dion

Actually, you can pretty much pick any Celine Dion song and put it on the list. You can immediately tell if someone has shitty musical taste by examining their feelings regarding Celine Dion. True Story- I used to have this boyfriend who was almost as big a music snob as me, and I used to catch him when he thought I wasn’t around listening to her greatest hits album at maximum volume and belting out the lyrics. You'd think I would have seen that as a tip-off, but I was young and stupid and felt I could overlook it. I hadn't realized the essential truth; people with shitty musical taste are usually shitty people and very rarely worth your time. I did, however, manage to destroy his Pink Floyd and Led Zeppelin limited-edition box sets before I left. The thoughts of him weeping in despair while drowning in a sea of scratched cds and brutally smashed cases brings a smile to my face to this very day. I'm a girl of simple pleasures- making people I hate suffer is one of them.

2. Right Here Waiting- Richard Marx

There was a time, when every goddamned middle school dance I was forced to attend played this song and Spandau Ballet's "True." I'm not wild about the latter, but it seems to be a less horrifying reminder of that ugly kid with braces who sported a rat tail and a Member's Only jacket who tried to cop a feel right there on the gym floor. Maybe he was overcome by the emotional resonance of the song, I dunno.

1. Tonight, I Celebrate My Love- Roberta Flack

Never has a song about getting it on made me feel less like getting it on. Bottom line: This song is for pussies. I am reminded of a quote from one of my dearly departed Southern humorists, Lewis Grizzard, who said, "Sex is not inherently wrong or dirty, but if you really, really put your mind to it, it can be." This song makes me think of vanilla-scented candles, deep, thoughtful stares and two ugly people "becoming one." Ugh. People that use the expression, "becoming one" obviously have never had good sex. If I wanted to become one with something I would do it alone in the privacy of my own home with only the gentle hum of my vibrator shattering the stillness of the room.

Honorable Mention:

Phil Collins and Billy Joel- 2 artists who have built their entire musical catalog on shitty love songs. 99% of their songs suffer from Shitty-Song Syndrome.

PS- I was going to add a certain song by a particularly loathsome Canadian singer to the list, but one of my loyal readers used it in her wedding several years ago and since I was in said wedding I will act as a model of self-restraint and abstain from further comments. Plus, I would just hate to piss off half my fan base in one fell swoop.