Who Will Sa-a-ave Her Teeth?

Let me tell you, dear readers- It’s been a long fucking week. If there was EVER a time to return to nicotine bliss it would be now. I am on Day 8 of a severe cable drought, or as I call it, "Sometimes when you get something for nothing, you just get fucking nothing." I am down to three channels, two of which are ABC. The food supply is growing meager. Soon I may be forced to exist solely on the numerous Long John Silvers' malt vinegar packets that MM has squirreled away in my kitchen (He believes he’s hidden them without my knowledge). Alcohol consumption has increased dramatically (We’ll attribute that to the lack of cable. Yeah, it’s definitely the lack of cable.) Morale has dwindled to an all-time low (This is when the alcohol re-enters the picture- It works wonders for the troops). Tempers are rising (Well, that’s not exactly unusual) and judgment is blurred (No thanks to the alcohol). My friend, Cable, left me on a Monday morning and by Sunday I grew so desperate that I watched a Formula 1 race on television while napping. A weaker person couldn't survive this cable mind fuck (MM, I’m speaking to you).

Why don’t I just call the cable company and have them repair it? Short answer: I’m deathly afraid they’ll revoke my stolen, free cable if they learn of its existence. It's a little known fact that Comcast, my cable company, is run by the same savage beasts as Rolling Stone's subscription department. It also goes out quite regularly and has always reappeared by now. Most likely it will return just as mysteriously as it left- I just half to ride it out until then. I think I miss the infomercials, especially the Time Life Music Collections, the most.

I'm relaying this little story of despair because the absence of available channels has resulted in me viewing various TV programs that I would not normally be inclined to watch (see aforementioned Formula 1 race). During the week I go home at lunch for an hour filled with a Lean Cuisine delicacy and a gripping episode of The Golden Girls or, perhaps, Magnum, P.I. This week my lunchtime television options are The View (And let me just say for the record that Joy Behar woman is a real turbo bitch) and that Tyra Banks show. The goddamned Price is Right won't even come in. I settled for The View, but only because there was a 17-minute commercial for feminine hygiene products on Tyra.

So, if you'll indulge me for a moment, let's ruminate over the profound beauty of her words. Luckily for you readers I've added some helpful explanatory notes in italics.

"Again And Again"

Listen dear

Not even if you made me.

I need you to hear.

No, YOU need to hear this: You fucking suck.

I cannot disappear

Please, please keep trying. I will pay you handsomely.

I've tried again and again and again.

Nobody likes a quitter.

I know we said
That we'd give up

No, I think we gave up… The hope that now you have money you'd get your teeth fixed.

You said we'd had enough
Again and again and again.

No, that was me saying, "Shut the hell up." Again and again and again.

But you, you're always on my mind.

Ooh! Clever! That’s a lyric I’ve never heard before!

It's like this all the time.

What? The itching? The painful discharge? There's medicine for that sort of thing.

Say it's cause you're mine
All mine...

It says so right here in my little pink unicorn diary. I heart Jewel. She's just dreamy!!!

And if you will, I will
Try to let it go.

Please let it go- The restraining order is still in effect.

Just look me in the eye
This is do or die

Can I vote for die? And please let me have a hand in it.

And I will stay in love
'Till you say enough

But it won't really be enough until you say the "Safe Word."

Walk down the street

Careful you’re not chewing gum at the same time. Walking is hard.

Stare at lots of things

Ooh, shiny things!

Do what I should
Try to stay busy

I would suggest amusing yourself with loaded firearms. If we're lucky one might discharge.

Your face is all I see
Again and again and again.

Well, that's lucky for you. Isn't it? I am damn hot.

There is no giving in
There is no giving up in love

There's only giving up the hope that your music might one day cease to suck.

In the darkness I recall
Feeling the beauty and the pain
And when you call my name
Say you feel the same.
I cannot disappear...
I've tried again and again and again...

Obviously, you're not trying hard enough.

…Bob Fucking Dylan she's not….