OLHT Dating Tips: Screening Your Potential Date

...I agreed that what really matters is what you like, not what you are like... Books, records, films -- these things matter. Call me shallow but it's the damn truth…” – Rob, High Fidelity


The older I get the more I realize that a person’s pop culture preferences, especially musical ones, are defining characteristics of who you are as a person and are a direct indicator of whether I might ever view you as worthy of dating me. Now, God knows I’m no Dr. Phil on the matter, but I'd like to think that I have learned a thing or two along the way.

The tips below don't apply to everyone. I am told that there are people in this world who value more than a person’s record collection; they find people’s musical predilections utterly irrelevant in relation to who they are as person. I am not one of those people. This guide is mainly for shallow people like myself who consider themselves vastly superior because of their exceptionally good musical taste and berate others for having exceptionally inferior musical taste. These hints will also free you from the burden of feigning remorse for breaking up with someone because they have shitty taste in music. It's ok to break up with someone because of his or her music collection; bad music is generally a sign of much deeper problems.

If you listen to shitty music you are probably a shitty person.

I know this sounds a bit harsh, but it almost always holds true. How many people who wear Hoobastank t-shirts do you consider friends? If you even know more than one person who would wear a Hoobastank t-shirt then it’s time to find a new circle of friends.

Don’t date people who tell you their favorite musical genre is, “Progressive Rock” and sever all contact immediately if they use the words, “Prog Rock.”

Trust me, these people are not to be trusted. They will make you listen to shitty bands like Rush, Jethro Tull or Yes. They are smug bastards who think they are smarter than everyone else because they listen to Genesis back when Peter Gabriel was the lead singer. They will give long-winded, boring explanations of 23-minute epic songs that make Grateful Dead jams seem brief in comparison. Most of them look like they bought their clothes from the 1978 JC Penney catalog and I guarantee you at some point they will try to coerce you into watching The Lord of The Rings. Then they will want to talk about The Lord of The Rings. The only thing worse than watching that movie is hearing people talk about it. Avoid these people like the plague.

Don’t date people who listen to country music.

I’m willing to let this one slide a bit because I live 100 miles from the country music Mecca. We might be able to be friends if you listen to country, but I cannot date you. Ignore this item completely if you listen to county music yourself, it’s apparent that you, too, have shitty taste and you might as well stay with your own kind. People who listen to country music will have an unnatural attachment to their pickup truck, Mother and/or a favorite firearm. There’s a good chance that they have dated a family member at some point and most likely they will be fans of NASCAR.

Men Who Listen To Estrogen Music: There’s a fine fucking line.

I would encourage women to date men who listen to Tori Amos or PJ Harvey. These men are secure enough in their own manhood to not be threatened by a strong female. They’re probably not going to pull all that macho bullshit either because they are unconcerned about constantly displaying themselves as over-testosterone alpha males. Men who listen to Kelly Clarkson, Jewel and Mariah Carey are either gay or giant Manginas, one of the two. I will give credit where credit is due: Except for an Avril Lavigne cd that I found in MM’s cd case and hurled out the window somewhere on I-75 on our way back from Florida last month, MM walks the line quite well.

Do date people who know little about music, but seem willing to learn.

This is your chance to instill important values and universal truths into another human being, i.e. Scott Stapp = raging douchebag and Thom Yorke = genius. It’s damn near impossible to correct years of ingrained bad taste, but if you can get to them early then you might be able to ward off any bad habits they might develop, like listening to the Foo Fighters.

Don't date people who only listen to music from one decade.

Typically, these people are rigid, inflexible and completely resistant to change. They tend to be completely devoid of any sense of originality. It's ok to like the classics, but not ok if that's all that you listen to. These are the same people who are still telling high school stories from 15 years ago. Trust me- the story wasn't particularly interesting then and it won't improve with age.

Require your prospective date to produce a Personal Top-10 List for your inspection prior to the date.

Here's the thing- They don't have to be any of the ones on my Top-10 List, they just have to be good choices in music. You can pick bands I don't particularly care for as long as you can produce a respectable list and don't try to make me listen to them. Immediately disqualify anyone who has any of the following bands anywhere on the list: Kid Rock, Eminem, Nickelback or Linkin Park. These people may have serious mental issues or at least minor retardation.

And for the rest of it- Just go with your instincts, if you think they might be a douchebag then they probably are, in fact, a douchebag.