The Outright Lies & Half-Truths First Ever Mangina Award

Mangina: The figurative term for genitals on a non-masculine man. If a man is acting girlie, it could be because he has a mangina. Manginas breed drama.

I don’t know if anyone has noticed, but I’ve been blogging like the motherfucking wind lately and honestly, gang, maintaining the level of profundity and devastating wit you’ve grown accustomed to is beyond tiresome. I know, I know- it looks effortless when I do it, but being as smart as I think I am is no easy task I assure you. It is a terrible burden that I must bear and in turn inflict upon others. I took a short sabbatical from writing while at work and commenced my normal morning activities, namely stealing toilet paper from the office bathroom (I’m out at my apartment) and talking on my cell phone. When this became too taxing I took a self-appointed break and logged onto my Myspace account.

Ah, Myspace. Myspace embraces everything I love and hate about the internet and people in general. On one hand, I do enjoy the site and without it I probably wouldn’t have caught up with some friends. On the other hand, it makes every fucktard believe they have something important to share with the world.

Since this is supposedly a music blog I should tie this into a rather highbrow commentary regarding the influence of Myspace on contemporary music and its ramifications on both the music industry and modern culture.

I was going to, really I was. Then I saw it, a little section below the Login info entitled, “Cool New People.”

None of the three people looked particularly cool, certainly not worth having their picture plastered on the Home Page. I ached to mock them. Then I thought about all the lame people who post details of their horribly pathetic, shitty lives on Myspace. Inspiration struck- each week I would seek out the lamest male I could find and bestow a special award upon him, The Outright Lies & Half-Truths Mangina (Male Vagina) Award, hereby referred to as the OLHT Mangina Award.

But, how could I find the lamest people on the site? It couldn’t really be that hard. I started to go through my friend list and working through their friends and friends of those friends and look for people who looked overtly stupid, but inevitably, somebody would recognize Cousin Jo Jo or Uncle Biff and I don’t have any desire to explain why I just wrote 800 words mocking their relative. I may be passive-aggressive and downright mean at times, but nobody has ever accused me of being stupid. When OLHT Awards take off there’s no telling how many lives are going to be touched, and by touched I mean devastated if all goes as planned. So I used the function enabling you to search for people using a common factor. (I’ll tell you the factor I used later.)

Then the strangest thing happened while I was deep in the throes of ridicule. I had this odd, completely foreign feeling in the pit of my stomach. This gnawing feeling that perhaps I was doing something mean and hurtful. I knew what it was: a pang of feeling they call, “guilt.” Was I feeling guilty for singling out a seemingly harmless random dumbass and verbally belittling him? Then I realized it wasn’t guilt, just my stomach growling because it had been several hours since lunch. If these people were stupid enough to voluntarily post information in a public forum then they should consider themselves fair game. Maybe I’m doing it out of a sense of altruistic duty to identify the douchebags of the world or maybe I’m just even more angry and bitter since I quit smoking like Karen said. Either way- Let the games begin.

Just to preface things; I’m going to change their first name, but anything in bold is taken directly from their own website and is their own words. And, using my masterful Microsoft Paint skills I have managed to stealthily disguise these douchebags to protect what is left of their dignity.

Our first ever OLHT Mangina Award Recipient:

John
24 years old
Elk River, MN

Now, I don’t know where this Elk River place is, but if this is the kind of people they produce I’m certainly not going there.

He lists some of his interests:

I love aniamals, i have two cats, and 2 dogs. they bring me joy when im not in a good mood.

Apparently, though, what he doesn’t love is the Spell Check. But, he does talk about the joy his pets bring him. I bet they’re named something super-cute, too, like Fluffball or Princess Tinkerbell or something.

I love to write poems.

Are you holding your breaths for the punch line? You’d better sit down for this one it’s a real doozy.

One day i would love to turn my poems into rap rock songs like papa roach, or limp bizkit.

That’s right girls, not only is he a Tinkerbell-loving Mama’s boy who writes shitty poetry- He wants to set it to rap rock songs. He lists Papa Roach and Limp Bizkit as the musicians to which he aspires. That’s like saying you’d love to have Gary Coleman’s political career.

Actually, he posts a sample of one, entitled, “Good 4 UR Heart.”

if you're always looking for reasoning,
not to be with someone
you always find them,
i guess at some point
you got to let go,
and give your heart,
what it deservers,

Wow. Just wow. Apparently, Prince is writing the titles for his poems, too. There’s some really dramatic spacing and indentation he added that I regretfully had to omit due to space limitations, so maybe it loses some of the emotional resonance without it. And what the fuck does the word, "deververs" mean? Now I’m not entirely convinced that he’s not retarded.

He rambles on some more about smiling and meeting new people and other stupid shit. And then he says:

i would like to teach high school Social Studies first, then i would like to teach college level pol/sci. then i would like to be a us senator, and maybe president one day.

Oh, yeah, dude. I’m definitely voting for you someday, but after winning the OLHT Mangina Awards your life is all downhill from here.

I hate liers, and i try my best to not lie. When you lie you just make things worst.

Will somebody buy him a goddamn dictionary for Christmas for fuck’s sake? Again, and I'm being completely serious here, is he retarded? I might finally get to experience that feeling people call guilt it I find out I’m making fun of a actual retard.

Im a 23 year old college student. Who is majoring in pol/sci.

I bet he’s minoring in English with a sub-concentration in Spelling, too.

Everybody is beautiful in some different way, that is what makes us human.

No, John, everybody is not beautiful in some way. That’s just what parents say to ugly children.

i drink once in awhile, but most times im the sober cab.

That’s your first mistake, dipshit. Everybody knows that if you’re the first to get drunk you automatically disqualify yourself from being the Designated Driver for the night. And maybe if you drank more you’d be more interesting. Goddamn, I’m so fucking interesting when I've been drinking people can barely stand to be around me.

So I am single

Everybody pick yourself up off of the floor after this news flash.

because females are currently crazy and confusing

If by confusing you mean smart enough not to date you, then, yes we are.

The best way to change your self is to be postive and be happy with yourself, and if not happy do your best to change it. for example if u think yourself as being fat, work out at lifetime fitness you will see me their.

Doesn’t it always make you feel better to be, “postive?” I know I’m postive every time I’m on my way to Lifetime Fitness. I’m postive that John will help me to change my life, and for the postive, too. Glad you're always their. And PS- John, if u think of yourself as being fat then you probably are, in fact, fat.

Ok, I was gonna end it there, but this was too good not to post. It’s a comment left by some girl named Amelia.

hey....yeah so your friend really pissed me off on monday, thats why i'm pissed off. i don't really wanna talk about it, especially with you, you just let him treat me like a dog, and my friends and sister too. so w.e.

Whatever is right, Amelia! I guess John’s nothing but a damn dirty “lier.”

Ok, I’m done now. Seriously.