This Is A Test

This Is A Test

Boys and girls, let’s play a little game that I like to call, “You’re not as smart as me, but go ahead and give it your best shot, anyway.” This particular musical romp of fun will gauge how well you have been paying attention and how many pearls of wisdom you’ve been able to glean from the sacred text otherwise known as my blog. For this challenge, I’m going to give you current musical headlines that I have unashamedly and unapologetically plagiarized from several unnamed sources and see if you have acquired the skills necessary for an appropriate response to the information. Prizes will be given to those whom I deem worthy.

Tickets sales have been sluggish in many markets right now for the Dixie Chicks tour, “Whores and More Whores” because:

A. They are being penalized for being outspoken in their political views.
B. Music from their latest album, Whores In Music, has been virtually ignored by country music radio stations.
C. Nobody really gives a flying fuck about the political ideology of the goddamn, Dixie Chicks. People avoid their live performances because they sound like shrieking cats in heat.

If you answered C, give yourself 5 points. If you answered A or B then puncture your eardrums and pray for immediate deafness, your hearing is obviously not benefiting you or me in any way.

Korn has been forced to cancel its European tour after singer, Jonathan Davis, revealed that he has been diagnosed with the blood disorder immune thrombocytopenic purpura, which he detected when he noticed bruises all over his body.

Now decide the correct response to his subsequent statement, "If I continue to headbang onstage, I could have a brain hemorrhage and drop dead on the spot.”

A. His death would, indeed, be a musical tragedy of monumental proportion.
B. Planets would collide and the Sun would burn out if the universe was deprived the privilege of another Korn album.
C. How much do I need to pay to get to see him do that onstage?

If you answered, “C” give yourself 5 points. If you answered, “A” or “B” lie in the bathtub and open a vein; you are of no viable use to me. 5 extra bonus points if you were smart enough to know the blood disorder story was complete bullshit and was conceived as a cover to explain the bruising when it’s quite evident that Davis the Douchebag merely got his ass kicked again.

Thom Yorke has announced plans to release a solo album in July.

A. Who's Thom Yorke?
B. Who moved my cheese?
C. Fucking-A! Radiohead are genius! I will be attending the Best Buy midnight candle vigil the night before its release.

Give yourself 10 points if you answered, C, and a good thrashing if you answered, A or B.

Some assclown named, Taylor Hicks, won this season of American Idol.

A. Ooooowheeeeee!!!! I just can't wait to hear what he does in the hands of some skilled producers!
B. He doesn’t seem gay to me at all.
C. I’m so glad to know this information, especially since I purposely avoided watching the show for the entire season and now find that I still know what happened, anyway.

If you answered anything but C, quit considering yourself my friend.

Gavin Rossdale’s band, Institute, sucks ______

A. balls
B. ass
C. Big, fat donkey dick
D. All of the above

If you answered, “D” give yourself 2 points, but, really, there’s no wrong answer here.

James Blunt’s song, “Beautiful” is:

A. One of the best pop songs I’ve heard in years.
B. In fact, beautiful, simply beautiful! I cry a little every time I’m lucky enough to hear it.
C. An insult to people with good taste. I die a little each time I hear it.

If you don't know the correct answer then I refuse to speak to you ever again. 5 points.

US punks, Green Day, were responsible for saving the life of a 12-year old girl this weekend, in a bizarre chain of events.

What is the appropriate response from the girl?

A. Man, I am so lucky. Thank God for Green Day.
B. Green Day are, like, so punk.
C. Goddammit! Why did I have to be saved by those asshole douche bags? I had to be rescued by a band with an album entitled, “Dookie.” Aargh.

The correct answer is, C, and is worth 5 points. If you answered, A or B then may you be violently assaulted by a man named Billie Joe next time you pass the trailer park.

Snow Patrol have cancelled their entire US tour after singer Gary Lightbody failed to recover from laryngitis.

A. That really fucking sucks. I was really hoping to hear another whiny-ass British band sing about their feelings and/or vaginas this summer.
B. Well, at least James Blunt is still touring this summer.
C. Who fucking cares?

If you answered anything but C (5 points) then acknowledge that admitting you need help is the first step.

Jewel has a touring partner in Atlantic labelmate Rob Thomas…

This is a two-part question.

First, what should a tour featuring Jewel and Rob Thomas be called?

A. The Raging Vaginas Tour
B. The How Does My Ass Look In These Jeans Tour
C. Music For 14-Year-Old Girls Tour

This is a trick question- All are viable possibilities.

What would be the benefit of combining their super powers and touring together?

A. When Rob and Jewel get on concurrent menstrual cycles (as girls living together are apt to do) they can split the same box of tampons.
B. Their audience of teenage girls should make them feel intellectually superior.
C. Absolutely nothing good can come of this musical crime against humanity. Satan is rejoicing in the bowels of hell for the musical suckage he has released upon us.

If you answered, C, reward yourself with 10 points and a permission from me to call anyone you know who consider themselves fans of either artist and berate them until they weep.

Now, let’s see how you did!

5,876 – 5,984 Points

Congratulations! You are, in fact, as smart as I am! Consider yourself lucky enough to spend the rest of your life feeling mentally superior to everyone around you.

1,500 – 2,000 Points

Not bad. It’s unsurprising to me that you’re nowhere near as smart as I am, but a noble effort, indeed.

200 - 500 Points

Yeah, thanks for wasting both my time and yours.

Under 200 Points

You might as well start considering a career in Law Enforcement or Glue Sniffing if you’re even able to read this.

If you scored more than 5 points and feel you deserve some sort of prize and/or award in addition to the privilege of getting to read my work; then send $5, an essay of no fewer than 1,000 explaining why you deserve any damn thing anything and a certified copy of your test results to the address below.

My Readers Are Actually Dumber Than I Thought, Inc.
123 Does It Really Matter If I Make Up a Street Address
Chattanooga, TN 37fuckyou2